Thursday, February 19, 2009

25 (Random) things about me

I reckon this has to be one of those posts where people are constantly battling between revealing and concealing. It is kind of autobiographical in the sense that there are a number of things you learn about your friend (how enchanting!) in a world where virtual realities seem to be colliding with actual realities.
And since I am that bored and have been tagged by more than four people till now, I'd rather do it.

However, might I add that being a true blood Scorpion, even more than the usual Scorpions, you will have either have to go a bit deep to understand the 25 points that follow or ignore. Secondly, even if you are that deep, it might not help you that much tee hee hee! As someone once said, 'The reason Kirit is so scary that you never know what is in his mind; his eyes never say a thing unless you are that much into him, the chances of which, given the condition called Kirit Kiran, are extremely rare'.

One small change however - those who wish to continue the chain can go ahead. It is not necessary for you to write 25 things about yourself even if you have been tagged, something which I am still not sure of.

1. It is very easy to make me laugh. You do not need to possess literary skills to charm me with your humour nor a crash-course in slapstick to tickle my funny bone. However, it is indeed true that I respect humour more than comedy. So whether you are Alec Guiness or Chris Farley, chances are, you will end up making me laugh. The contrary is also true - I can make anyone laugh with my sarcasm or slapstick routine, given the person and situation.

2. I am an excellent cook and can pick up any recipe within seconds. During my teenage years, I used to watch Khaana Khazaana more than my sister or mother; actually they never quite saw it. I also collected cookery books with the first buy happening in the year 1994 when I was all of 11 years old. The one thing I need to pick up though is seafood. So far it has only been prawns.

3. I am as confused about my sexuality as any other human would be. I have had two boyfriends in the past, and kissed more than three men in my life till now. One of them was a mistake - I actually did think he was a she and that is why I was drawn to him. I later learnt he was only a crossdresser. Oops! If I were questioned about my status as of now, I'd say that I am purely heterosexual and someone who does not cringe at the mention or the presence of homosexuality.

4. I prefer my women sans makeup or without any kind of horror called cosmetics. I do not understand why they need it in the first place. Every time I have woken up with a woman, I was confused as to whether she was the one I boned last night. The kohl, esp with these Delhi women and the LSR/Miranda brigand, is so thick that you have to make use of a shovel to see what kind of eyes they possess. The word is self-explanatory - make UP!

5. It is indeed true that at any given time in the world, if two people were to sit down and discuss anything related to me, it is highly unlikely that they would have a common ground unless they are in the same circle. And then, too, if they have seen me exposed, something which I know happens once every two blue moons. Different people know me differently and sometimes I just shyly smile to myself about it.

6. It is quite surprising to learn, and this is something I just discovered recently, that throughout my life, it has been the woman who made the first move. Or in some fortunate cases, asked me out. Say whatever, it is strangely true and I do not know what to make of it. What is unfortunate that with none of these women the relationship could go to the next level, or in some cases even to the relationship level. And nobody is to be blamed for it. It is just unfortunate.

7. I prefer talking to people who can look me in the eye. I just hate it when the person you are talking to is looking elsewhere or hardly ever makes an eye-contact.

8. Not many know this but at one time in my life, I have stolen a motorcycle, a car and a bicycle just for fun. I returned it few hours later by parking it a few blocks away from the owner's house.

9. My unpredictability quotient is so high that at times it renders me absolutely helpless and clueless. You can imagine how others would be affected by this.

10. Contrary to what my schoolmates would say, I am not short-tempered. I have mellowed down and more so because I understand myself to a level where my anger is reserved for two kinds of people:
a) those who I love to pieces and anger is just one of the methods of expression I employ and they know it too.
b) those who I do not know and deserve a good beating after some interaction has taken place.
Otherwise I challenge you to make me angry. I promise you will FAIL!
You see, I have inherited my mother's tolerance.
When I am angry, well, God help you then!

11. One thing that does anger me is lack of intelligence. If you were not born with it, you could have earned it as you were growing up.

12. I vehemently detest the derogatory (mal)practice of mixing languages or using them without any grammatical sense or making colloquial seem proper. I loathe the thought of hearing someone say 'wanna' and 'gotta' thinking they are legitimate words. It is like when someone says, 'both of you all' or 'all of you all'. I feel like giving one tight slap there and then.

13. I rarely talk to dumb people or useless fucks! Like that music writer from HT City who hardly knew a thing about music and was famous throughout Delhi as a music writer. Stupid fat cow!

14. I have no answer when someone asks me the following:
a) What are your favourite books? Or who are your favourite authors?
b) How do I look?
c) What kind of music do you listen? Or who are your favourite artistes?
d) What are your favourite films? Or who are your favourite actors/actresses (and no, I am not supporting any stupid feminist like that bitch Shabana Azmi by calling an actress an actor)/directors?
I do not think highly of these people thereafter. I do not think highly of Shabana Azmi either and anyone who thinks people like her (eg Aamir Khan) are good actors, they need to go and dump their heads in toilets.

15. I am a film buff in a manner that I can loudly say that I was born with cinema in my blood. And no, it is not because I had one subject pertaining to films; I have literally grown up with it. At the age of 14 I had understood the importance of editing, cinematography and screenplay.
I also hate the fact when someone fails to understand a film and readily slots it on the basis of stupid TV programming and whatever they could make out of the made out garbled shit printed in newspapers/magazines. Most importantly, anyone who goes by the hype, is, in my opinion, not even fit to be alive. I warm up to those who understand the difference between movies and films. And I literally choke myself with lack of intelligence when sitting amidst retards and opinionated assholes discussing films.

16. I believe 'love' is largely a misunderstood and overblown word. Just as 'sex' is. I have never understood why certain things are hyped more than they can carry.

17. Ok, I have few weird habits:
a) I open a closed wallet/door/bag only to check if it is properly closed/shut/locked.
b) Any kind of key in any pocket of mine will be tinkled more than five times in order to confirm it is there.
c) I love eavesdropping, anytime, anywhere and on anyone. I have really sharp ears and selective hearing.
d) I love gossip more than a woman probably would. I think it is very healthy.
e) I clean my cutlery before eating that is if I have cutlery in the first place.
f) I still make the mistake of wearing a shirt/sweater inside out without realising it.

18. I love my single malts and dark rums. I think Vodka is too strange a drink just like Pina Colada or Champagne. Yes, I only have an intake of hard liquor and unless it is too hot, a beer. I hate it when someone drinks without knowing why he is drinking that or how it is to be taken. For instance, I know people with following weird combinations:
a) Whisky with red bull. Total ganwaar behnchod!!!
b) Whisky with soda+coke+water. I just don't understand what can this be called. I can understand those who mix slight soda and coke but what the hell is this.
c) Beer with ice! Incredible.
And if you love alcohol, then I suggest learn it like I did from one of my uncles or people around.
Oh yes, I just can not, under any circumstances, consume wine. I have not yet developed a taste for it.

19. I am probably one of the most useless people when it comes to fashion advice or comment. I do not understand the concept or the whole vulgarity of it. This means I also do not take people who are wearing clothes as per the "trend" seriously. I also do not like when someone comments on somebody's style/clothes. I think it is absolutely hideous to indulge in an activity like this.

20. Actually, I am religiously against people who can pass a comment/suggestion/piece of advice without asking or any need seen nearby. A display of intelligence, that is if you are indeed brainy, will come by its own and the same can be said about its admiration. You don't need to push it mate, esp about someone else's life!

21. I am in love with the camera but hate being clicked when asked to pose. If you know how to handle the lens then you will click good pictures without asking people to say cheeeeese! I love natural pictures, even if the person looks bad in it. And since I look bad in any picture, natural or posed, you can well understand my hate. I also hate people who are extremely trigger-happy. If given a chance, they will snap you taking a dump, shagging, or even taking a bath. I also hate the specie that is fortunate enough to buy expensive cameras and put them on auto mode the moment they take the camera out of the box. Then, I hate them all the more when people remark positively on their auto-mode pictures. I hate the ones who remark, as well.

22. I detest 'free' privileges. You have one life and if you can not earn them, then you might as well not be alive.

23. I am at my worst when I am cold and uncommunicative. No amount of coaxing can get me back then. That is, to some extent, my anger at its peak.

24. I am a man of simple tastes and extravagant dreams.

25. I am not the nicest man to know! :P

Go figure!

Just randomly...

Why do women insist on wearing heels when their feet start hurting precisely 8 seconds later and all throughout the night, you have to bear the unsettling complaints of pain? It is happened to me on more than one occasion and I reckon it is something to do with me not wearing heels, as the women would say.

Every time someone exclaims, 'You don't understand man!', I rarely know how to respond. Should I ask the person to explain it to me so that I do understand or does he/she wishes me to politely keep listening to the rants while sitting puzzled and curious.

I am absolutely baffled when confronted with the nauseating question - How do I look?

Don't you think you just ask too many questions at times?

Yeah... So?

Oh, so you confess being a prick. How refreshing!

Do you remember the girl in Paulino's circle of friends? The brunette with straight hair and who looks a bit like Katrina Kaif.

Cordelia?

Ah, yes, Cordelia-ah! Isn't that a lovely name?

Flavia! Cordelia! Claudia Cardinale! Aren't these beautiful women?

Oh they certainly are. Sigh! Every time I am on the verge of shouting that real beauty, whether in male or female terms is nowhere to be seen these days, I come across one such specimen in stark contrast. But, look at this, how, in time, does a person's name starts affecting him?

How?

See these are beautiful names and the women who have them are equally beautiful. How often have I and Dimitris been on these daydreaming, gooey-eyed teenage boys' trip when Flavia comes in our conversation? Like, see, every person has a name for a reason I think. Another one of those cosmic mysteries. Look at this, every famous person has a unique name. Or distinct.

It could also mean they are distinct people... Every one is born distinct, few recognise and practice it.

No, that is a pragmatic way of looking at this. In my world, half the time, you do not deal with reality. Look at this: Amitabh is a combination of "Amit" and "Abha" meaning the light that shines forever; Shah Rukh is in direct relation with his King-like status in our Hindi film industry; Oscar Wilde, G B Shaw, even William Shakespeare.

Just how uncommon do you think is a name like William?

Shakespeare!

Hmm

I often wonder about my own name.

(I so knew this bugger was on a self-importance trip!) And what uniqueness does Kirit Kiran bring to mind?

I am not sure you and I are talking the same language. You are the drug peddler, you do not even exist in reality. You are the alter-ego I have in the already dysfunctional sidelined existence I seem to enjoy every day.

So what does that mean, as in your name?

Kirit means crown and Kiran means ray of light. The crown with the ray of light? The crown that shines.

Crown: A historic memorabilia of monarchy and the like and currently resides only in glass cases and on the heads of inconsequential people like the Queen.

That does not sound good.

Oh, and by the way, even if the name is beautiful, you aren't.

Yes, that is also true.

So, are you going to tell any of these women how beautiful they are? Like, you know, fancy a date or something eh?

No, just randomly.

Ok.