Monday, September 22, 2008

The last resort

I remember sitting in a room full of people and feeling as if I am the only one.
There are voices all around me but I am not able to comprehend anything in general. It is like nothing said exists with any relevance in the world. Not to me at least. You see I am not the first person here, hence this conversation seems out of place to me. Yet it gets narrated by me. Now I go from active to passive, all of a sudden.

You see, life's first phase is over. It is the last night... or so I hope. Today I have learnt that the ol' chapters are all coming to a close. One after other, they start rolling in to a cul-de-sac, peacefully and not with a bang but with a whimper. I am the snail who has learnt crawling on the edge of a razor, somebody please tell Kurtz.
Yesterday when Sur told me about her getting married, it was like, I was surrounded by an overwhelming air that I am still not able to define. On a parallal track, T was telling me, happily, about hooking up with her pals-in-arms. Fuck, I was confused; I did not know whether to tell them exactly how I feel or display affection and warmth that is genuinely present as well. I am happy and immensely disappointed at the same time. How cool is that? I did the latter, as always.

Lets see the list: Prajakta is dead; Aditi is an ol' jewel; Ayesha is gone forever and would never really see me; Sur will be married and even though I severed few ties of communication, it will continue to hurt; T* is happy with Sahil. Anyone left... yes, and for the obvious reasons. Wow. In one day, every form of realisation is happening, without permission. And I have to accept them all. I am so happy for Sur, I am just too sad for myself. I am happy for all of them, I am just too sad for myself. Everything, and I mean every damn thing, is coming to an end. I am not kidding when I say this but I just can not understand going on to the stage of the second phase of life. It all seems zero to me. Because I think it is. Because it is meant to be.

I have retreated into my own spa - Dawg's crib here at London Bridge, my last resort. I came here for 3 days and it has been two weeks. I eat, sleep, live here. Simple. And I smoke, and play the PS2. I am disconnected from everything possible in the physical universe we exist in. His housemate Viraat has a major problem with us staying in all the time and just smoking and playing the PS2. He expressed his surprise at my being a writer and away from reality when I should not confine myself to the cream walls around me. The trouble: I have met too many people like my stoner type. There is Bhalla, Manish, Kabir, the cute Sahil, The Tango and countless others who walk in and walk out... of my life. And then there is of course Dawg, one of my favourite stoner buddies. You know the best thing about him - he is such a loveable human being. Simple, chilled out and frank. Over here, I listen to Tiesto and The Ghost Song at the same time. I co-exist with them, smoothly.
But this won't last. In fact, it has come to an end almost. I am the one who is lingering it on and on. It ends tomorrow as I write this soliloquy.

Now, beginning Monday, it will be time for reconnaissance, some serious one. That is like four commas in one sentence with twelve words. Ptch! (I obliterated one)

I have a question: Is it alright to carry forward with the past besides you, and experiencing two or more emotions, without any prior information, at the same time? Like is it normal?
I mean, can all this happen at the same time? What is it?

DP: Allah ke bande, hans de, jo bhi ho woh kal aayegaa!

I hope so dude. :)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Rattler

It all began that night... I still remember the moments of agony and pain that were unbearable. What was I thinking and why was I thinking what I was thinking? It is like I am in a constant state of denial about accepting. What the fuck am I writing?

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Now, I very well remember that there used to be a certain meaning attached to my kind of living. I am not too sure if I still know it. This is the problem: the absence of the thought and the motive. If I do not sort this out any sooner, it will accumulate its loose ends and create a much bigger problem than me... This has been the case in the past... This should not be the case in the future... This means I need to work out my present.... .... ... Wow..., I feel enlightened!!!

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My life is not going to be sitting on the pavement all the time. I think way too much time has been spent there. And, deliberately, for everyone else's benefit other than mine. It is was a different tinge in the sky when I learnt that ordinary paves way for the extraordinary.
Now, it might just be the case with the right moment. And this comes from the person who disbelieves in the virtue of patience. Imazzine!

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It is a matter of deliberation of thought; it needs to be done when... erm need be. See, that is the whole point of existence, evolution of thinking. No closure here for sure, never. Although, I find it hard to draw the line between ambition, desire and greed/lust. This is the conundrum which sucks, you know, like a vaccuum cleaner, all your sensibility. I strive to go beyond this. Is it possible? The question we normally ask, 'is it necessary?', bans the path.

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I have just written my first man. This is where it began. (Watch this space)