Friday, June 20, 2008

Self-Indulgence

There is a moment in the episode Hooping Cranes of Frasier Season 8 that is made up of the stuff that weaves dreams. It is when Niles does a basket from half-court while Seattle Sonics take a break. He nails it! That is what I wish for... the moment where I nail it from far away and a million people are watching, most of them envious (I wish to experience the feeling of knowing someone is jealous of me), and few of those who are close, super excited. It is at that moment destiny is mine and I am the master of my fate. When I thump and say 'BANG! This is mine!' I wish to have that moment once in my life so I can say... that I lived.

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It is a weird time when I do not know how to express. And it is now. There are things happening that I daydreamt, with utmost innocence of accepting the fact that they are never going to come true. But they have and I am so shocked at the sudden boom. It goes back to my theory of every human brain as a sensor and receptor that works on this (cosmic, perhaps) energy that so far has no scientific measurement credential. So it does happen. It is like you are on your eighth drink, as always sitting alone, and wondering that there will be a day when I'll be told this by him/her. You know the stuff that fables are made of. It makes me believe in the mystery life offers... and that most of the times, we just do not pay attention to it. Sad, isn't it? Can you see my grin?

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I have reached a higher level of consciousness that is tremendously frightening and nauseous. It is like I can see things happening in reality before they can actually happen. And I am not sure how to handle it. It is when I can see my daydreams in colour and I fuckin know they are going to come true. The last few months have been spent in isloation, separation (distance) and self-exploration. It is the most refreshing experience, ever. I now have knowledge that is several levels higher than what they were till a year ago. I see things from a stratospheric view like the earth is laid out on a flat bed for me. Wow! Imagine there was a time I kept on asking, 'what is thinking out of the box?' I am not above humans, no I am not God; I am just close to discovering the self, completely, in the matrix!

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Moonstruck: Oh you know the last time I talked to you, it was not a healthy one.
Drug Peddler: Hmmm
M: I was just too fed up of the whole idea mayte. And... I think I burst out loud.
DP: It wasn't noise for me.
?
I do not see things in a worldly light. I have given up on that. Because everything is fake, justified, and amazingly monochromatic. These shouts, cries and hoarse voices are nothing but faint echos for me.
But weren't you offended?
Should I be? Was that your intention? Arrogance is never without a reason and bubbling sub-conscious. To answer your question, no I was not.
Hmm
Tell me, how do you feel?
...
You have the answers don't you. You have all the beauty and all you care about now is yourself without any benefit in mind. Bitter sweet symphony. When its sugar, it just tastes so sweet. There are no more insecurities because you know...
You have found yourself. :-) I feel like crying, buckets, and jumping with joy in my teenage wasteland. I feel like... I am free. (crying) I am where I thought I'll never be. I can not believe when I hear people telling me they love me. That I am likeable. It's amazing, like when I first learnt how to walk, or talk, or open my eyes.
Ah, the proverbial truth has come out for you moonstruck. I am glad it happened sooner. It had to happen, dreams do come true. They are dreamt with a reason. Boom!
Boom! (Thanks DP)

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