Monday, March 31, 2008

The A-list of B-grade things

You know you are few years away from getting "older and experienced" when:

1. One of the B Grade Models who became Mrs. World suddenly looks decent to you.
2. You pick up 85% hot women and try to tell the world they are 150% hot and convince the world that there is something special about them that the world does not realise.
3. Every time you have chest pain, you just hope it is indigestion and not something else.

4. All cricketers who played while you used to watch cricket are all commentators, managers, businessowners, franchisee's or just plain retired shmucks with cigars and wheelchairs, or just plain unheard of blokes.

5. Suddenly the older seasons of Frasier feel good.

6. You don’t enjoy discotheques any more. You certainly can’t stand those friggin college kid rock concerts.

7. Rock music sounds like the height of metallic BS and immediately gives u a headache which only clinical sedation can cure. (Holds true for a lot of them, not for few of us)

8. You have a nose and sense to identify "that kind of ******". You know this kind of guy is good for nothing, knows nothing, just survives on very good luck but in the long term achieves nothing. You can predict what happens in his life. You can predict how he will talk and the way he talks and projects himself itself lets you know what kind of guy he is and what happens to him. This guy is harmless, has mediocre fame, normally can never provide a solution to anything he even honestly tries to solve, and is always seen hitting on a bunch of good for nothing women. Reminds one of the unusually defined, ignorant, self conscious and pretentious mid nineties social order of the big metropolis we are a part of.

9. You can predict how people will react and suddenly feel that you are beyond what people a few years younger than you, or what some of your peers are craving for.

10. A lot of things seem to be been there done that.

11. You have seen any darned inspirational sport movie even before you see it for the first time.

12. The people who were always going to be sitting there are no longer sitting there.

13. You can identify the kind of women which Tim Allen would have checked out and dated, but they are still a few years old for you to be considering.

14. You can identify if a 30 plus person looks good for her age, and whether she must have been hot in her time.

15. It is now a golden privilege to consume ham/salami cold cuts, pork rolls, pizza, phags, and liquor. You can still consume them as much as you want but if you don’t take care of yourself now, you will have health problems ten years down the line.

16. You realise that the previous generation's thinking in today’s context, despite any additional input given to them, is clearly outdated.

17. You suddenly start appreciating movies from 80s and 90s and applying their principles to current life. Wall Street, The Firm, Lethal Weapon 1, 2 and 3, etc.

18. You suddenly start appreciating films which intersperse visually arresting and modernised effects with old school stories, themes and narrative techniques. (300, and Sin City).

19. You suddenly find sense in grabbing a beer, a marlboro, some chicken wings, a pack of cards and watching all the cop / mob movies in the world (Training Day, The Corruptor, The Departed). Nothing is more relaxing than a pizza loaded with ham, salami, chicken, and this kind of movie on the side.

20. You suddenly find the really good blondes really hot.

21. You suddenly find hot extras in movies which you last saw ten years ago and are watching again now. Surprising you did not notice them then.

22. You suddenly find you are giving advice on a lot of things to a lot of people.

23. Suddenly the simple things such as having a regular sleep and exercise schedule are out of the question for you.

24. You have to have a local pub hangout. Your own retreat (Morrison, Morrison, Morrison) where everything makes sense to you, the place where you come to drink and relax and get away from the world.

25. You suddenly appreciate serials like Titus and How I Met your Mother because you are too fed up of Friends and Seinfeld. You last saw them six years ago. Even though you saw each episode only once, if it ever comes on again, you just can’t stand to watch it because you can literally predict every facial expression and every dialogue and remember the ten episodes before and after this one. Good God, was this what you were learning while you were in school?

26. You are no longer driven as much by the want of a career, as much as you are by the want of a better life.

27. Science Fiction, Star Wars, Star Trek, and all the obsessions of the past are things you have not had time for since ten years. But if you do get a chance you indulge in these things, and suddenly find a lot more meaning in them. You might not watch this stuff anymore but you make sure that today your DVD collection has rare collectors edition versions bought from abroad for every darned thing you ever used to or wanted to watch, with a dedicated shelf which is the neatest and most dedicated shelf after the shelves dedicated to the Gods. You still hold fond memories of that Sunday when you saw three star trek films and finished six cans of beer.

28. You no longer have the patience to wait for and watch one episode of one serial every week, six months after its entire season gets over in the US. Today you wait till the series releases on DVD, and buy the DVD set of each damn season and make effective use of your credit card. No need to download shit overnight from the net now, since u got a credit card which recently had an extended limit.

29. Hell it has been twenty years since 60% of the sentences you make consisted of the f*** word, in any form or tense.

30. The places which used to be so amazing, are no longer that amazing.

31. You realised that the great time you had in college and some of the amazing times you had, were not pre-cursors to additional stuff like that throughout your life. In fact they might just be some of the most amazing moments which you will remember for the rest of your life.

32. One look at you makes it obvious that you used to be good looking and a real babe magnet. But today you are descending into such horrible shape that you just hope you don’t run into someone you once knew. Looks like ten years from now you will probably have to extra tip waitresses to probably even smile at you.

33. You realise that you are fortunate enough to have made some great decisions four-five years ago. Despite the considerable absence of knowledge and experience at that time!

34. You are already taking pride in things which you feel you have done well throughout your life!

35. Its all about guns, blondes, Vegas, money, outlandish fantasies, the good life, pork rolls, cold cuts, pizzas, cubans, marlboros, budweiser, heineken, a bottle of scotch, sport, anti-acidity pills, the correct set of people and so on.....................after a f*****ed up week.

COURTESY: The great Sithlord Aximuz.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Side business

Cobain: What I do not understand is why do you have to be nice to be everyone?

It is indeed a difficult task; there are no rewards and there is ample stress, at times. My old man is nice to everyone, that is the reason he is so badly hurt, by everyone. At half his age I am already racing ahead, it seems. When a friend complained for the umpteenth time, 'why do nice guys finish last?', I could just not understand the complaint. Nice is synonymous with last because there is no other category or slot in the "list". It is a universal fact. The world lives a stereotypical life and there is no reason to grumble on being last, and most of all, being nice. But I understand his pain.

Drug Peddler reminded me of the time 4 years ago. "Do you really think you can handle being nice, dude?" I am passive; ok I have become passive. "Does that help?" Look, who is talking! Or maybe he also wants an answer.

I had met this great guy called Gautam, at Kris's house. No, that was Teerth's new year night. He is inarguably the happiest man on the planet. He seems to be content with everything. He does not have great standards of happiness nor is he... He is so nice that I am always unable to describe him in words. And it has been 3 years since I last saw him. I bet he is still that same ol' nice chap. God bless him.

"I'll critic films and television shows as a side business." When I first heard this, the belligerence reminded me of my old days. And just how stupid did I feel after realising that. Although, I must add that I am not that big an idiot as this young "turk". There is this girl in my college, who is pursuing television journalism. She is this young idiot, all of 21 years of age, with zero experience and hardly any knowledge. My first impression of her was not very good, and it was not bad either. But since I hardly go by my first impressions, as I (thankfully) usually prove them wrong, I decided to listen to her. I love this exercise since childhood; proving myself wrong over first impressions. It makes me feel alive in a better way than others. Anyway, the girl who seems from a middle class background has suddenly started showing those fancy lip-smacking gestures. Like those big HIs, and a smile that vanishes as soon as you move away and most of all, the hollow warmth. She has already done that with one of her previous friends who is now my best, well almost, friend here in Goldsmiths. I am surprised because this girl knows I am a scribe, and that too from Delhi and not only am I well versed with this exercise but I am fairly experienced with the art, if I may call it so. Now, she has that air, and I somehow do not understand why people fall for this. And so I really was proven wrong when I thought this girl has some potential and decency. There is always that type, the pseudo type, that deliberately does things in order to be different. I do not understand, different than what. So my good wishes are with this Barkha Dutt (Imagine, what ambition!) in making and I hope she fits perfectly. Oh, do I remember correctly but her current best friend is the one who she called plastic when she first moved here? [God, I am such a bitch! (Chuckles) I'm loving it.] On her remark about this critic business, I wonder what is stopping her considering we have people like Nikhat/Khaled and that previously-good-but-now-inversely-snobbish Jabberwock. When asked "Why do you think Jodha Akbar is not a good film?", there were answers that would put a smile on the above mentioned luminaries' faces. Some people fail me like anything. UGH!

Oh yes, but the question still remains unanswered. I believe it is important to be human and in order to be so, it is absolutely essential to be nice. The trouble is we are humans and we expect, only a smile in return, which we do not get. And that is the reason I understand the pain. There is no harm in being nice; the others do the needful.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008


And so it turns out that it is a world of freedom where choices are exercised by an influential exercise of the choice makers. Everything in the world has become a brand, even being cool. Oh no, that is a state of being, say few, actually all the, fellow specie beings. All we have to do is that we don't belong to anyone and we are free in our own worlds. But then that has taken the shape of a ghastly fear and lack of trust on every other being. This is another discussion and I am not willing to go there as it is pessimism and cynicism at the maximum.

My idea of freedom is synonymous with Mary Jane's; there is a bit of a difference. She once said, on the topic of the significant other, where she mentions the world where "one" exists with "another" in their utopia. The whole idea is when I exist with everything peacefully in the teenage wasteland. That is indeed one utopia and I do not know if it will ever get out of the papers I once scribbled the script "My Utopia". That was something else.

I had an idea. Imagine if we were to wake up and lose complete sense of language. We can speak not that we are mute, but we do not know how to. What are the words, letters of mannerisms, no one can figure that out. Let alone the dialects and different languages. It all crumbles down and voila! Then takes true communication. We'll have to trust every other for survival. Because we can not live without speaking but we just do not fucking know HOW! Ha ha, that is some stoned shit.

Have we ever noticed how the girls of today are wearing low waist jeans that lower with every comfortable sitting position and yet, they keep on stretching their ultra-small t-shirts/tops/whatever-names-do-we-have-in-women's-fashion-for-the-upper-portion to cover their ugly butt cracks, thongs and whatever skin they have there? People tell me I write long sentences for no good; I wonder what made them say that?

Every living being is born unique. We are not only unable to realise that but help others not realise it either. This is the reason the world has words like stress, anxiety, frustration, depression and acid, lsd, hash. Hush, hush!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

The glass slipped

And so it turns out that it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to have a good sleep. This has got to be the most gruelling one month that I have come across. Today as I woke up... I have changed my sleeping cycle in order to have a different method of living everyday. That did not sound right. I just changed my schedule. I wake up early after just six hours of sleep as I used to at one point of time. But then, this cycle is not without its pitfalls. One of the reasons I did so was to get out of the mode of useless dreams and tiresome sleep that has been plaguing me for quite some time.

Ironically. it has become more of a mentally tiring exercise. As I slipped into the deep slumber of sleep in the wee hours of the morning, it transported me to a future that was anything like the future; I have long believed that there is nothing futuristic. Maybe, that became the fulcrum of the dream. Ah, the dream.
How often I have had those visions of me being the ultimate loser in one go and across the years? I can not seem to recall one such... there was this deadly vision of me being the drug peddler in reality. That was horrifying as I came across the successful and the not so successful but where everyone had a greater degree of success as compared to me, because I was my alter ego - the good for nothing.

I have heard this term twice in my life. Mohit Soni said this when he told me about the opinion of our classmates back in school. I so hate that phase and the more I try and live with it and move on, the tougher it gets to get rid of it. Abhishek laid the second blow on my head when Amity was happening. And on both the occasions, I did not get the gravity of the issue that led people to believe or express such a harsh opinion. And if my fears are proven correct, I would very soon hear it the third time.

I have always had the inclination to master my fate and not be its victim as said by Kelsey 'Frasier' Grammer. Those words of his - I think it's your duty to overcome what you inherit in life. It's the David Copperfield line: Am I going to be master of my fate, or its victim?' I'm not gonna be its victim, though I've felt victimized, a lot - resound every time I am going through this phase.

Today's dream had a weird time-space problem. After a long time, I was able to bridge the time gap and put all the people from different time-frames in one go. It all started out with a healthy reunion back in Jaipur. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the city and my school days and of course, the people around it. It is a school event and as I take one good look in the mirror, there are no signs of age, except with the weird clothes - the brown corduroy jacket and those ol' jeans - adding to the disdain in my look. There were people from those days of uniform and uniformly present were all those from Amity, Delhi and Goldsmiths. It was like I was somehow deliberately putting these people in there to confirm my poor condition. And they did, in their own ways. Of all the people, I guess there were just two 'friends' present - Varun and Paulino. But they did not seem to help either; every time they appeared was either to leave me amidst a running chore or just vanish when I needed to say what happened in the previous scene. They were just being themselves; they had no idea this is a dream and that I am putting them in, like characters in my dreamy tale.
The faces that I distinctly remember were of those that for long have not mattered. Tanmay Patni, Atika Shah, Versha Singhania, Priyanka Halgali (where did she pop out from or maybe I thought it is her. Damn my good memory of faces and names. She was too tall to be that girl anyway.), Varun, Paulino, Himanshu Goyal, and many more that I can not seem to recollect at this moment. The fact worth giving importance is that everyone was constantly on the move when I was stationary and still when I was doing the moving. I had no control over the dream and yet I was able to put all the elements I needed. There was fame and with a, weird, nostalgic tone. There was alcohol and ample of it (hee hee). But each time, I tried to go a level up (it was a multi-storey setting where everything was taking place), the doors were either closed or those inside had left. From the look of me going here and there, it did not seem a good thing at all; it was as if I was moving in and out of stages of life in a transition that was not smooth, but slippery. And the fable was no Cinderella either.

At the end I was deserted, left alone in the concrete structure with no one even on the roads to give me company. I was confused whether it is dawn or dusk because the setting did not allow any time frame to set in. Yes, the continuum was bent to that extent. The icing on the cake - the jeans were split wide open. There was no way I could even walk as they were torn to such an extent. That immaculately exemplified the "light and darkness" syndrome I have been trying to emote through photographs for a long time. The structure was lit beautifully on one half and the other half was dim with some local blokes trying to fix a miniature laser show. It was as if lasers had pervaded class barriers beautifully and they had come out with these small versions which were using the power of senses. It seemed to work with the operator moving his hand over it as if there were a crystal ball! It is like someone playing the theremin.
While on the outside, there was darkness with dim street lamps that were very few in number and not that illuminated. If it were morning why did it not appear so and if it was getting dark, why were there no people. The stillness of night has always intrigued me; one can never tell the hours.

But then, I was alone and it was not a good sleep as I got tired of the dream and woke up. I am not liking a lot of facts about myself lately. There is no definitive way for me to define the whole of it. It is like as if few of my worst fears came out in a mellowed-down funny manner. That does not sound good either. Cinderella had her fable and I had my nightmare.
Thank god I do not feel suicidal anymore as I used to at one point of time. But then... I do not feel alive either!