Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Diamonds and rust

And so it turns out that my memories are churning in the rust again. I am not liking this; sitting naked in the bathroom, drinking rum and choosing to stay away from everything is not how I intended this wake up call to be. This is hard man! This brings back all the memories I do not need at all; I was not born a loser after all yaaar!
Tears wept, some dry
other linger,
as they drip
Wolf will be back in some time!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Walking in the shadows

And so it turns out that I can't catch my breath amidst a dead storm. The rigours of living up are slowly catching up with each other within me. This is the least comforting situation I find myself in considering my current disposition of the observer. There is a physical being and then there is the mental one. However, none of them is outside the minimalist mode of action. Three weeks ago, when it was time to wake up, I had thought hard about doing so. Drug Peddler said it is going to be a tough task for both of us; and now it is. What he wants is unable to be implemented all the time and his character is overpowering for survival.
The sidewalk is not a good place to be all the time esp when there is the urge to come out of it. This is risky business... And I'd rather die young than live till my fullest without knowing the others who I think should know me as well. The other day Sush said about something going wrong on my side. Sassy has had those problems since a long time.
It is difficult for me to tell people that I am coming out of hibernation finally and my newfound demeanour is the most misguiding for them all. Sometime in the not so distant past, there was a call to cool down and relax. Absorb the world as it moves and be one with the flow. For an impatient soul, that is not a advisable preposition. Yet, it was accepted. When few of the peers here bask in the glory of their 'cool' lives, present and past inclusive, I just tend to smile, and as I have always said - I'll smile at that, and for reasons more than one. :-)
With every passing day, the desire burns hotter. The breakthrough is nearing its finale. Or the road is laid out; even if it is not, it would be laid. That is the kind of confidence I have been waiting for - the intimidating, in your face kinds. When I know it is going to happen and I see the future even before it has already happened. Those three years of sleeping with eyes open are about to take their own trip now. It is no longer the time of active inactivity or walking where faces are dark.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

As cool as it gets

And so it turns out that things have not really changed; they don't wish to, it seems. There is nothing judgemental coming out here; that is already mentioned in the preface to this series of "And so it turns out..."
Back in school there were always guys who are cool, guys who are not cool and those who are neither there nor here. Each one of these specie, especially the first one, takes on an obnoxious character that resides with them for the rest of the lives. But this first category exert maximum influence without them knowing it. They appear to be the coolest all the time. And they take upon themselves to be so wherever they are. There are few of them here; and my disdain is pretty much evident. One of them just conceived a new plan to have 'partying' in the culinary section of our residences. Aptly titled or not, the event draws a lot of attention. Now, is it with envy or pure disgust that I write this? Neither.
Now I am the outsider who is like Archie - always in the middle of the things. I only observe without being noticed; I see all the Reggies having fun being cool all the time. As Cobain said it brilliantly, it is us who are the outsiders, always trying to fit in. And this is one of the reasons why Kirit has merged with the drug peddler. That is more comforting than being an outsider for no reason.
It is clear that the distinctions people grew up with while they were preparing to be 'humans' back in school, are carried forward here as well. It becomes evident who is with whom considering they make the first impressions so damn well (no matter how screwed they are in reality) that there is no space for new impressions to set in. But, the moon is out. And tomorrow is the lunar eclipse. Moonstruck maniac will be in a heightened state of excitement. His company is out there in the world looking upon the specie with smile. Latency is such a pure thing. I'm cool Cobain, I definitely think we have it in us to be cool. It is just a matter of looking at it differently.

And so it turns out...

That I am not a good person after all, has little effect on anyone including me. The definition of I, them, him/her, others is nothing more than just a farce that is devoid of any intelligent quotient. These are fluid concepts that change as per the chapters of time. Now that is where I fail to understand the disappearance of old judgements and appearance of new ones. Personal nature is a composite function of entities around, there is nothing personal about it. The word comes into play when absorption and questioning start happening.
It has taken me time to merge with my ultimate alter-ego, the drug peddler. He was the voice for sometime and now there is no distinction between the two of us. Now, I just sit by the road and observe. The response time is highly flexible and so are the responses. Actually they are quite laconic. The friday night clubbing helped a lot. I do not have any memory and it was actually a good time. Partying with rich Indian kids in an upmarket South Kensington club was just the dose I needed. Ha ha!
I feel good that everything looks conclusive to me and there are very few things about humans that I need to explore any further. Honestly, there is nothing that I can think of right now. It is within me that everything exists and I am omnipresent with a trace here or there in everyone. I have made friends who would be with me till we depart; and there are others who have been there and it is because of that interaction that I yam what I yam. Wow, blow me down!
So that's all folks! The drug peddler shall continue with his observation.