Wednesday, May 30, 2007

are you gay Mr?

What an oxymoron in the first place? Bumping into someone who has perceptions about sexuality and is riddled with gender conflicts in his/her head annoys me a lot. Those who don't know how to react are easy to handle. Actually they need no handling as for them, it is a matter of lack of knowledge and not presence of judgemental confusion.
India is a country where the culture is based on suffering and passive reception, unlike its McDonald counterpart that is merely focussed on indulgence. Hence forth, there exists a lack of confusion in their heads as compared to ours. After being ruled by several dynasties, we the people have now become more used to the purdah system that veils our brains. So a eunuch, who incidentally originated from 'Bharat', has been reduced to a capsule of laughter (read mockery). And today for displaying feminine traits of any kind, I (along with some people I know) too am relegated to that bracket.
But this is like talking to people like Varun, Reeti and Bhaskar and few who feature on my list and are genuine humans (Sassy, Simmi, lostlittlegirrl etc) who can actually understand what I am talking about. Not to people who exist on blogosphere to discuss... well nothing in particular.
Moonstruck comes out with an entry after this long a time and talks something on sexuality. With, of course, the focus being on homosexuality.
The reason why this hiatus — A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break — was so long can be blamed on my hands-off approach as Varun puts it. For anyone who has known me even an inch can speak of, without a doubt, my affectionate involvement with those who are around and close to me. After so many failed relationships — this includes the failed one too — and this implies every sort/type/kind, it seems that the best way to deal with the world is the two-face syndrome. As long as you are involved, they don't care; when you aren't they still don't care. Because no matter how hard you try, hardly anyone will make an effort to know you for what you are. And rely on perceptions that they have been taught from the already paralysed society or they somehow fit the wrong pieces in the jigsaw puzzle that some devious kinds convince them to do so. So who is to be blamed?
THE SELF! It is the one inside who has a problem you see and not the others. I used to think this voice speaks from within. Then one day, it dawned upon me that this too is a bracket that you will be slotted in, if you don't stop being a 'dick'. Ahan, some logic that is!
So, the point is that you are better off keeping a mask (it is indeed honest and not far from reality; it just shields the innermost emotions from the outside) on and than being what you really are within yourself. All this time, moonstruck has gone back to his seeker days trying to come to terms with facts (I hate this word in any reference) of the world. That he mustn't be connected and that he can never be connected. One of those in the inner circle says that if you don't let people know you or get close to you, how will they ever learn? I say girl, I drop subtle hints for those who are close, and are sincerely making all the efforts to understand me, to come in close proximity. Also, I was, am and always will be an open book; you need the right eyesight.
And above all, who am I to help it when they already come with an 'image'.

So, when someone asks me 'Are you gay Mr?', all I do is smile and carry forward the conversation without saying a yes or no. The reason that prompted him/her were
1. Me applying a strawberry lip balm
2. Caring for my nice hair
3. Being sensitive in every sense


I hope someone knows about my past identity - wolverine, the street fighter. What was I doing a catfight?
I hope this blogging season goes a longer mile than the others.